In Search of God
As a child I knew there was a God, I just wasn’t sure where to find him. I was certain that I needed to do something special or at least something more than what I was already doing to find what I was looking for. I believed I had to look outside myself to find God. I also believed that I need to look outside of myself for information that would lead me to God. Because of this, I was very absorbent of other people’s opinions.
Somewhere along the way, I heard that there were some specific things I could do that might put me in touch with God. I was eager to find out what these things were, so I listened and absorbed. Most people seemed to be in agreement that if I went to church, I would greatly increase my chances of finding God. So, amazingly enough, I went to church.
I was actually attracted to going to church. Most of my past church experiences weren’t necessarily fun, but I remember still having the desire to go. I wanted to belong to a spiritual community. It seemed meaningful and important to me.
My parents didn’t go to any one church in particular, so I was able to sample several different ones. This was important because although I had learned I could, in fact find God in church, I was confused as to which church he usually hung out in. So, I went…and I went…and I went. I learned a lot actually—not all that I thought I had set out to learn—but I learned, nonetheless. I grew disappointed, however, because I was unable to find my “perfect” spiritual community where I could experience that one-to-one contact with God.
I have since then gotten in touch with my own information that we are all apart of God. God is within all of us (including me!). At the time, however, I was searching outside of myself for God as well as looking desperately for a spiritual leader that I could model myself after so that I too could be “enlightened”.
During this search for spiritual guidance nothing seemed to keep my attention for too long. Sometimes I turned to my father who was always searching as well. He knew there was God too. He explored different ways of thought, but except for the fact that we both believed in one God, none of his pursuits felt right to me. So, I continued the search trying to find someone that had what I was looking for.
My grandmother appeared to be my next best hope. She seemed very “spiritual” to me – very serious and very spiritual. She seemed to be the most religiously focused and committed person I had ever met as I was growing up. She was a member of a church dedicated to the practice of spiritual healing. Her church was the main focus of her life. She believed very strongly in her spiritual way and seemed to put it above all else. I wanted that faith and that focus. I remember also being fascinated by the fact that people came to her instead of doctors to be healed.
Since that time, I have learned and am continuing to learn ways to heal myself and assist in the healing of others by participating in the CDM community. Also, good news to me is that we all have the spiritual abilities of healing. It isn’t just a chosen few. At that time, however, I believed my grandmother had something I didn’t. She had God in her life, and she was healing people.
Because of my desire to know God (and also because of my envy and competition) I tried her spiritual way during several different periods of my life. It was difficult for me. It wasn’t fun and I really had to try hard to have all of that faith that she seemed to have so intensely. I now know this was because it was my grandmother’s path, not mine. I wanted something that I thought she had, so I tried to become her. This didn’t work, of course, so I eventually gave up on that way as well; although I knew I was still missing something in my life. I also found myself wondering what we were all doing here on this planet. I knew there must be something more to our existence here than 8-5 jobs and television. At least I hoped there was, because for me that just didn’t seem meaningful enough.
Searching for my purpose and for God, I moved on. There were a couple of years before high school when I don’t remember going to any new churches. In high school, I would off and on remember about my search for God (in between other activities). I again sampled a few churches with different friends, but none of them were fun and none of them felt right to me. Then, the summer before my senior year in high school, I spent some time with a church youth group one of my friends was involved in. There was a cute guy there, so I kept going.
I actually liked this church compared to the others I had tried. It was Christian oriented, but non-denominational. It seemed more open to new ideas and seemed to have less rules. I liked the Pastor, too. He was funny and used analogies to keep the congregation awake. I was ready to settle for this. It seemed like I had been searching for a long time and I was beginning to feel desperate. I wanted to know God and be apart of a spiritual community. I even considered going through the confirmation process to become a member in this church until I realized I didn’t want to settle for this because it wasn’t what I wanted.
My friend and I had gone to church on one particular Sunday and we were sitting in the pews during service. I don’t remember what the sermon topic was, I just remember the Pastor was talking about God. The Pastor was telling us about God. He was telling us what God was like and we were suppose to believe him! Well, it was in this moment that all images of this being my “perfect” spiritual community were shattered. I was both furious and incredibly sad. I had wanted to believe that I had finally found what I had been searching for. It was in the next though, however, that I determined what I really wanted. I prayed to myself (angrily!), “Why can’t I find a church that will let me believe what I want to believe about God?” Well, my prayer was answered.
A little over two years later, I first walked into a CDM location and I have been increasing my relationship with God ever since! It’s not a “perfect” spiritual community—it’s better than that! It’s a fun, growing and changing spiritual community filled with friends who also love God. By creating a safe place, CDM has allowed me to get more in touch with my own unique information and I am able to give myself permission to believe what I want to about God. By using the techniques taught at CDM, I have learned to let go of outside distractions and allow myself to partake in the constant flow of communication from God that is just waiting to be received by all of us. Thanks, CDM and thanks, God for answering my prayers!
Matthew 7:7-8 Ask and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For everyone that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
