This is about a place I have been plenty of times in my life. I make a mistake and find myself falling and begin searching for what I need to rise up. As much as I wish I could go back in time and make a different choice, I see that everything I create is a step along the way and something I need to learn from. It seems better to take a step and fall than to do nothing at all. Still there is a tendency to run or dig a hole and crawl into it. It bothers me when I repeat the same mistake and then I remember that as a child there were many falls before learning to walk. I did not judge, it was all part of the fun and joy of learning to operate my body. Perhaps this is what Jesus meant when he said “Come as a child.” Be amused and forgiving or simply “fear not”.
It takes discipline and courage to change a pattern. When I look outside for something only I can give myself, I recognize that child within and say hey. What is going on? Having affinity for myself instead of criticizing is a choice. One of my favorite teachers also said “love yourself, love your neighbor and love your enemy”. Loving myself comes first. Love is a big word, so not being so hard on me is a step forward. The opportunity to see something I don’t like and wish to change will help me create what I want more than pretending everything is OK.
Making mistakes equals a learning experience. At times things seem to fall apart before they fall into place. When creating art, an option is to go with it or turn it into something else. Leaving the lines you don’t like temporarily when drawing a picture is a technique that helps you see the lines you do wish to make based on the ones already drawn. The other option is to start over. Every time I look at this experience and ask myself ‘why?’ I know that it is just what I am learning now. It is a relief to accept myself as I am. In further meditation I see that I am not meeting up to expectations including my own, the ones I received from my family of origin, nor those of whom I currently wish to please. Realizing it is an impossible situation from this point of view makes me laugh. It is freeing to see my creation clearly and something funny about it which helps me ground and let go. The question is, what do I want??? Right now, I just want to do some art, heal and let the answers unfold. Without darkness how would we see the light?
By Lucia Burgess